The Importance of Updating

Well, hello there! Did you miss me? I was locked out of my blog for more than a month. Yes, I was hacked but it was also my own fault: I’d ignored the pesky reminders to install updates. The format or something that I was using became so out-dated that I was no longer able to upload posts. What a perfect metaphor for my life. I need to keep up with the program. Lesson learned? I hope so but this feels harder as I get older. Does it for you?

I used to be adept at change, regularly going somewhere or doing something different. In my youth, I moved every few years – often to another state or country. The grand finale before settling here in Connecticut, was in Molly’s first year of life when we moved four times, three different countries. Same with jobs. A year in one place was my average until I landed at the United Nations where after a few years at the NYC headquarters, I left to work out in the field. Boyfriends? Rarely did I hit the six month mark with any of them. Friends are different – I’ve treasured and nurtured those loves and they’ve sustained and supported me for decades.

Physically COVID makes the advisability of change questionable. Time to hunker down and hang onto whatever is working and hibernate through the seasons. Luckily I adore being in my sweet house with porch and garden and the Long Island Sound only minutes away. I miss sharing meals and drinks with friends but not being able to meet up in big groups is not a hardship for me as I am more on the introvert than extrovert scale. My daughter is with me – a joy of daily laughs and hugs. Molly’s cheerfully helpful, running all errands including braving the grocery stores. She cooks gourmet meals and makes a mean cocktail. We have become YouTube fix-it experts with the latest accomplishment: replacing our toilet! And she’s my IT specialist — the reason why I am here with you today.

But: this is not what’s supposed to happen. She should be launching into her own adventures and discoveries – not stuck at home with mom.

We are in a kind of forced meditation, aren’t we?

I don’t hate it. I appreciate being forced to look inward. The search of self and being feels rich and interesting to me and if anything, I wish I had more time for that. But of course, I am distracted by practical questions too. How do I hope to spend whatever years are left to me? What can I sustain? I used to feel stressed going down this path — regularly doing math as if the answer lay in a budget I don’t have. But these days, I worry much less. So little and yet so much is possible. Does that make sense? What can we control, anyway? Breathe – because we know how precious that is, don’t we?

These days, as I imagine my daughter’s eventual adventures, I remember my once intrepid self and realize that gal, that ME is still here. A little rusty but that’s what happens when you fail to move. What’s next? I’m not sure but as my blog reminded me, it’s impossible to move forward if you don’t refresh and update. And dream!

What’s happening in your COVID world? Are you taking good care of yourself?

10 thoughts on “The Importance of Updating”

  1. Yes I have missed your words that so gracefully place us where we are. And I guess there’s comfort in knowing that we really are in a collective consciousness – a forced meditation – with similar challenges, concerns & opportunities for reflection

  2. Good to see you writing again! Is that flower from a Franklinia tree? If it’s flowering now, it probably is. And yes, I’m hunkering down, but trying to learn some new things. About writing. About cooking without dairy. About my garden. About books by people of different nationalities, races and cultures. And doing French and Spanish conversation over Zoom. I like it!

  3. How distressing to be locked out of your blog. So glad you are able to finally get back in. I refuse to define my current life in terms of the virus. I’m very introverted so my free time has not changed. I have, however, majorly changed my profession – from bartending to banking. And I’m so pleased to only have to deal with individuals very briefly. I found that bar customers became very emotionally needy, using me to fill their silences. And I was fed up of virus/politics talk. It’s a very tough time for extraverts. You sound like you’re making the best of everything and that makes me smile. Take care.

  4. Hi Gabi! It’s a gardenia – bought years ago at Trader Joe’s as a tiny bargain. Now it requires two of us to haul it inside. This bloom was a few weeks ago but there are tons of flower buds ready to pop. xxx

  5. Unlikely as it sounds, I think banking is a much better gig. Although you made that bar sound pretty interesting! xxx

  6. Reading your essay today is like having a “there there” whisperer assuaging inexplicable night-terrors. A wise and reassuring tenderness that snaps us out of too much introspection.

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