The beach was almost deserted on this spectacular Saturday morning. The tide more out than in – no lapping waves. Only an occasional gull broke the quiet. I joined a yoga class on the sand, stretching, inhaling the beauty of the spot, savoring the gentle breezes, the coolness of the morning air, the sun’s warmth – life. Focused on breathing, the poses, then resting on my back, sand running through my fingers, I relaxed into a dreamy joy. And then, I remembered AW’s death. She will never feel a beach breeze again. Every moment since hearing this news on Monday, there’s been a hovering dark cloud on the sunniest of days.
But she was not my daughter. For me, the pain will ease, the sad fog will lift within weeks, becoming a terrible memory. Not so for her family. How long will it take for them to feel any kind of sustained joy again? My heart breaks for them.
Protecting our children is any healthy parent’s strongest impulse, in some ways, our very reason for being. The cliches: ‘we’re only as happy as our unhappiest child’, ‘they cut, we bleed’ — are all true. The thought of losing a child a worst nightmare. I am afraid to even imagine the pain.
A blogger who writes movingly about depression (here) noted about Robin Williams, “He died at the age of 63 after a lifetime of depression… his age was testament to his tenacity.” This beautiful line comforted me the other day, even 10 years later, thinking my husband made it to 48 with all his anguish – that was something. And, it guts me to think of AW only 25 years for her.
We no longer can be delighted by her goofy, infectious laugh. Did she not know how we loved her and basked in the warmth of her kindness, her disarmingly clear and beautiful gaze? When we worked together, my impulse was to protect her. Sometimes I found myself warding off the men who might mistake her universal kindness as interest. She seemed so vulnerable.
Suicide strikes a chord for any of us who have experienced loss in this terrible way – like a gong – triggering memories, feelings. But the reverberating toll of this has cut me close, this sweet girl’s death. We were not much more than work friends — but of course all of us felt more so because AW did not do superficial. Even knowing better, I engaged in magical thinking — that I might have been able to do something. If only. Just the week before, I’d almost sent her a text – wanting to introduce her to my friend’s daughter — going so far as pulling up our last texts from more than a year ago – to continue a conversation, make contact again. And then, did not. In my mind she was well settled into a life she’d worked so hard to create for herself. Succeeding. I didn’t know.
Robin William’s death, like other beloved celebrities before him, brings suicide out of the shadows, if only for awhile, and this spotlight is welcome. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention runs walks around the country – Out of the Darkness Walks where the community can come together to comfort each other and raise money for the cause. While we will never end suicide but we must try to save lives – even one. How I wish that it could have been AW’s.
6 thoughts on “If Only…”
Tricia, I am so very sorry for your loss and for AW’s parents’ loss. What a beautiful tribute you’ve written to her. She sounds like a wonderful human being. The world is less for losing her. I’m sorry. With a hug…
My heartfelt condolences to you and the family of AW. Another suicide for you to bear — more unbelievable grief. As always, your written words are so moving. I wish you continued strength and stamina in the days to come……
There are no words…
I am so sorry. You write beautifully about a terrible loss. So much pain. We have to reach for joy where and when we can. Thank you, Tricia.
Oh Tricia, i thought of you when I heard of Robin William’s death and of course had no idea about your friend. I am so very sorry. What terrible heartache…I can only imagine how painful these triggers and losses must be. Sending love. XO
How incredibly sad. The suicide of a love one I think would be the hardest to bear, not matter their age. But it’s always harder when they are young too. We think, if only they knew, this too will pass. But that kind of depression sometimes doesn’t pass. You are held warmly in my thoughts today. Being in nature does have a way of helping to soothe our sadness. I hope it will do that for you too.