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<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Neil admitted he had not been the best father to his daughters in England and vowed to do better by Molly. The girls were now young women and told me they forgave him. Like me, they remained grateful for any glimmer of attention he gave them. He called them mostly when I my badgered him to and was able to go to their weddings only because I bought his plane ticket.<\/p>\n
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I hated when his behavior towards the girls reminded me of my own father who was completely disinterested in me for much of my life. He moved out when I was seventeen and never looked back. Months passed without as much as a phone-call. Perhaps he felt absolved by my mother\u2019s bitter instruction that once he moved out, he should stay away. In any case, he obeyed her, not attending my high school graduation or any other event in my life from then on. Our visits were rare and stilted and almost always, I initiated them. When I was 19 and just back from a solo four-month backpacking trip through Europe, I called him and asked if I could visit. He said no.<\/p>\n
When my father died more than 30 years later, I felt strangely hollow. I\u2019d mourned him long ago. No surprise I dated men as miserly in their love and sometimes as mean in their rejection. But Neil seemed different. He had me from the start with his shout-it-from-the rooftops courtship. Only after seeing how absent he was from his daughters did it dawn on me he was the same as my father and as all the other men I\u2019d picked \u2013 he was just better at faking it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
On a Saturday in early autumn, Lucy called from England. Neil and I had argued fiercely the day before and he\u2019d spent the night at a hotel. Usually, I didn\u2019t share our problems with her but today could not stop myself from pouring my heart out.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong with him! He doesn\u2019t do anything but sleep and when he\u2019s not sleeping, he\u2019s nasty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTricia\u2026\u201d Lucy started.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry. He\u2019s your dad \u2013 I shouldn\u2019t be venting to you like this but I don\u2019t know what to do anymore. I\u2019m feeling like this is could be the end. Honestly, I don\u2019t think he even wants to be married anymore and at this point I\u2019m not sure I do either.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTricia, wait – I need to tell you something. You need to know something about Dad.\u201d Lucy\u2019s urgent insistence quieted me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? What do I need to know?\u201d I asked, a sick feeling flooding my gut.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to tell you something that\u2019s going to make Dad furious at me. He may very well never speak to me again, but you really need to know this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it? What do I need to know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s drugs. He\u2019s doing drugs,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
I felt like I was going to throw up.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do you know that? Are you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sure. Remember when I was over last year and he and I went to visit his mate \u2013 the guy he knew from his work? Well, he was buying some then. I told him he should tell you but he refused and made me swear not to say anything. Honestly, I\u2019ve never known him not<\/em> to be using. He has all my life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2018All of her life\u2019<\/em>. Lucy was in her late 20s. That added up to how many years of lies and manipulation? I shivered, my blood like ice. How did I not know?<\/p>\n \u201cWhat? What does he use?\u201d I asked after a few moments of silence.<\/p>\n \u201cCoke. It\u2019s always been cocaine. I remember so many times, especially when I was Molly\u2019s age, maybe 7 or 8, waiting at the window with my bag all packed and dressed up and ready for him to come and get me from mum\u2019s for the weekend. Waiting and waiting. He never showed up. And this happened more than once. I don\u2019t want Molly to have to go through that.\u201d<\/p>\n The image of that waiting little girl ran through my mind. First, of little Lucy, then of Molly, then me, all of us girls so loving and waiting for this man – who never showed up. It was too much.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you for telling me. At least I know what I\u2019m dealing with now.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n How dense could I be? Now it all made sense: the sleeping, the disappearing money, moodiness, constant complaints about sinuses and headaches \u2013 how obvious! I knew his past – on our first date he admitted his coke addiction, his stint in rehab – why didn\u2019t I figure out he was back at it? Over the years, I sometimes, usually in the middle of a fight, asked if drugs were to blame for his behavior. His vehement denials were always convincing. I believed him in spite of all the glaring evidence. I searched but never found anything in the house or his pockets. \u201cI swear on Molly\u2019s life!\u201d he\u2019d say and I was sure he would never take such an oath unless it was true. So I searched for other explanations for his behavior \u2013 looking for answers from incompetent shrinks, regular and naturopathic doctors. Neil played along by visiting whatever specialist I made appointments with, me hoping they held the answer, the way to a \u2018cure\u2019. And these professionals, perhaps as conned as me, gave their (all different) diagnosis of allergies, depression, herniated discs, polyps and added more drugs to his mix of poisons. None of them saw or at least none told me<\/em>, the truth. Neil\u2019s specialty was deception and we were all fooled. Why did I so willingly accept his lies? If it weren\u2019t for Lucy telling me I may never have figured it out. Now I knew. My husband, Molly\u2019s father – was a drug addict.<\/p>\n A few moments after hanging up with Lucy, hands trembling, I dialed Neil at the hotel.<\/p>\n \u201cI just got off the phone with Lucy,\u201d My voice was composed and cold.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah?\u201d he answered defensively. He hadn\u2019t been gone long enough to be contrite or perhaps, to have run out of drugs. Now I had that missing part of the puzzle.<\/p>\n \u201cShe told me everything. She told me about the cocaine.\u201d \u201cForget it. Save your energy. I know. I know everything. Things finally make sense.\u201d I spoke calmly even as my heart thundered. But I felt an all-but forgotten clarity. I didn\u2019t know what to do<\/em> but at least I now knew what the problem was and as my enemy had a name, I might beat it.<\/p>\n For a moment, he was silent and then, in a different, fearful tone he asked,<\/p>\n \u201cCan I come over? I can\u2019t do this on the phone, I need to talk to you in person.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGive me some time to take Molly over to the neighbor\u2019s house. I don\u2019t want any scenes in front of her.\u201d<\/p>\n I could see Molly out in the yard, swirling on her rope swing, twisting around and around as high as she could and then releasing into a violent spin.<\/p>\n \u201cI swear to you, I won\u2019t make a scene and I need to see her. Please!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think we should talk alone first, don\u2019t you? She\u2019ll come back when we\u2019re done.\u201d<\/p>\n I heard concession in his voice and knew that what Lucy told me was true and my stomach turned. Somehow I still half-hoped he\u2019d pull something convincing out of his bag of tricks, to swear to me for the umpteenth time that it was not addiction ruining our marriage, our family and his life. Explain it away as something less terrifying. For once, he didn\u2019t even try.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Less than an hour later he stepped into the kitchen, his usual swagger and the smirking grimace I\u2019d grown accustomed to, gone.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s sit outside,\u201d I suggested, knowing we were less likely to let things escalate into a screaming match in view of the neighbors. I followed him through the house to the front door. He wove past the furniture as if dodging a sniper. Outside, we sat down in two lawn chairs set far enough away to be awkward. A carpet of red leaves surrounded us.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m relieved, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. You can\u2019t imagine what it is living with a secret like this.\u201d<\/p>\n I was taken aback, ready for another lie and instead, this honest admission. His face seemed to have changed, his brow and mouth looked almost relaxed. He looked<\/em> relieved.<\/p>\n \u201cSo why didn\u2019t you tell me? If it weren\u2019t for Lucy, I\u2019d never known!\u201d I\u2019d been so blind. Now, memories of past events ran through my head like flapping red flags. Of course I should have known.<\/p>\n \u201cHow could I tell you? How could I admit it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow could you not? All those times I asked you if it was drugs making you so crazy – you always said no. And stupid me, I believed you! Why couldn\u2019t you just tell me the truth?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know. I\u2019m a lying git. I don\u2019t blame you for being mad.\u201d<\/p>\n I heard the grind of one of my neighbor\u2019s lawnmowers and from the baseball field, the crack of a bat hitting a ball followed by a cheer from proud parents watching the game.<\/p>\n \u201cSo you have a dealer? Do they come here when I\u2019m not here? Is it just cocaine? Do you use when you are with Molly?\u201d<\/p>\n He looked at the leaves on the lawn as I pelted him with questions.<\/p>\n \u201cLucy said she never knew you not to use \u2013 have you been using since we have been together?\u201d<\/p>\n He looked up, his eyes wide. \u201cNO! Lucy doesn\u2019t know everything! I was<\/em> clean when we were in Europe. It\u2019s only since coming to this fucking country that I got into it again. It started with the car business. Drugs are all over the place, it\u2019s so easy. You can get anything you want. But I swear it\u2019s only been \u2018charlie\u2019 for me \u2013 I don\u2019t touch the other stuff \u2013 never would. And when the cash started coming in and someone offered me something, I thought I could handle it. I thought it would be a one-off. Bloody stupid, I know. I didn\u2019t think I\u2019d get hooked again!\u201d<\/p>\n Neil looked me, the fear in his eyes reflecting my own. I\u2019d never seen him afraid. Through the worst shelling in Sarajevo, Molly\u2019s too-early birth, I was comforted by his confidence and now, seeing his fear, I felt unmoored. Maybe he\u2019d had enough of his life being a charade and maybe this was his rock bottom. He needed me. Whatever I needed to do to beat his addiction and to save our marriage, our family I had to do. I couldn\u2019t give up on our family.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you want to happen?\u201d I asked, trying not to concede anything to him yet.<\/p>\n \u201cI want you and Molly! I don\u2019t want to lose you two. I don\u2019t want to lose my home, our life here, our dream of growing old together. I\u2019ll do anything to save it.\u201d<\/p>\n He sounded and looked desperate. In those moments, I began to crack and believe he might come back to me. I swallowed hard to keep a sob from escaping. This was not the time for emotions \u2013 I needed to stay tough with him until he really committed to me.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever I can but there are going to be rules. There are things I\u2019m not going to bend on. You can\u2019t put us in jeopardy any more. You need to go to rehab.\u201d<\/p>\n He shook his head, \u201cWhat? How can I do that? I\u2019d lose my job. You know I need to keep working.\u201d<\/p>\n He was already backpedaling.<\/p>\n \u201cBut isn\u2019t work where you get your drugs from? How much sense does that make?\u201d<\/p>\n I hated the idea of losing even the meager amount of money he gave me each week \u2013 hardly enough to count. But we needed every penny. He was right. I didn\u2019t want him to lose his job yet again.<\/p>\n \u201cI can do it. I need you \u2013 you and Molly. I swear to God and on Molly\u2019s life I will!\u201d<\/p>\n He was crying now and I was breaking. But I needed to get something more, to extract a commitment from him of what he actions he was going to take to quit. He offered nothing so I wracked my brain for what I imagined might solve the problem.<\/p>\n \u201cMeetings! You need to find the right meeting and you have to go every single day. And we need to go to counseling \u2013 me and you together.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhatever you want me to do, I\u2019ll do whatever you want. I can\u2019t lose you and Molly!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd there can\u2019t be any goddamn drugs in the house. What if Molly were to find them? What a fool I\u2019ve been!\u201d<\/p>\n A momentary panic shook me as I imagined scenarios that might have happened, that could happen. Molly finding him in an overdose, Molly finding his drugs and thinking they were candy. She wouldn\u2019t do that \u2013 she was too smart, too savvy for her age. That shouldn\u2019t have happened. She shouldn\u2019t have to be exposed to all of this. I felt my face get hot.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t you dare put her in danger ever again or everything\u2019s over. I<\/em> could lose her! You bring drugs anywhere near this house again and or those creepy guys, and we\u2019re done \u2013 and I\u2019m not kidding.\u201d<\/p>\n My voice grew louder with a surge of anger, this time, mostly at myself. I had been so blind for so long!<\/p>\n He wiped tears from his face and nodded his head up and down, like a child, agreeing to everything, to be good.<\/p>\n \u201cI promise you I will be the man you married again! I swear this to you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you need to give me money. Christ! How much money have you blown on drugs?\u201d<\/p>\n He hung his head.<\/p>\n \u201cA lot, a bloody hell of a lot. I\u2019m sorry. I am so, so sorry. From now on I\u2019ll give you my entire paycheck.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe deserve that. God, how I\u2019ve scraped by, Neil! It\u2019s not fair! None of this is fair to us. You can\u2019t mess up! I\u2019m serious.\u201d<\/p>\n We sat, him in his shame, me in a confused stew of fury and terror, picking at the chair webbing between my legs, fraying and probably not strong enough to make it through another season, certainly not with the weight of Neil\u2019s frame. Although I\u2019d never seen him so thin. Now I knew why.<\/p>\n \u201cGo ahead and pick up your things from the hotel before I change my mind. I\u2019ll get Molly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI won\u2019t let you down, I swear. I love you both so much!\u201d<\/p>\n He leapt up and the flimsy lawn chair collapsed behind him, a crash of aluminum on the grass. Grabbing me in a hard embrace he let out a sob. It was all I could do to numbly pat his heaving back a few times. Pushing gently away, I tried to sound encouraging although my stomach was in knots.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on, get your stuff. I\u2019ll see you back here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you. Thank you for believing in me.\u201d<\/p>\n Did I? I looked back out at the yard, the overgrown hedge splattered with red leaves. My head ready to explode with this new understanding of our reality. Now I knew the truth, we would beat this, I told myself again. I wanted my Neil back. Back? Was he ever the man I thought him to be? When did he disappear down this rabbit hole? Was it only a fantasy, me imagining the man I wanted? The hopes and dreams we once shared had shattered over years of lies. But now that I knew the truth, we could fight this together. A gust of wind spun the leaves around in a mini tornado on the lawn. I grabbed a sweatshirt from the back of the closet door and went to pick up Molly from the neighbors.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Neil admitted he had not been the best father to his daughters in England and vowed to do better by Molly. The girls were now young women and told me they forgave him. Like me, they remained grateful for any glimmer of attention he gave them. He called them mostly when I my badgered him … Continue reading Chapter 19<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6250","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pPzTS-1CO","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6250","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6250"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6250\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6255,"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6250\/revisions\/6255"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6250"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6250"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/triciatierneyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6250"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n\u201cWhat the fuck is she on about? What a stupid idea! She doesn\u2019t know what the hell she is talking about!\u201d he yelled.<\/p>\n