Christmas Eve I cleaned my gutters. At least the ones I could reach from my rickety wooden painter’s ladder or by climbing up on our flat roof garage. I’m pretty sure I didn’t do this last year thus the great layer of sludge that, if I were that kind of efficient, organized person, would become perfect compost for my garden. Instead, I scooped and tossed the rich goop down below with a splat, trusting the coming rain and snow will wash it all away.
Reaching the gutters around the garage and breezeway entailed scooching along the edge of the roof – not exactly treacherous but some bone certainly would have cracked if I’d taken the 7 foot fall.
At first I was fearful wondering what the hell I was doing up there on Christmas Eve when I should have been baking cookies. But I moved carefully and stayed focused and in less than 5 minutes felt at ease.
Every year I try to do some pre-New Year’s cleaning and my gutters seemed a good one — a perfect symbol for my clogged psyche, heavy with sediment. While sitting on the edge of the roof, I pushed through some of it – including a good dose of fear and anxiety.
Earlier in the day I heard an inspiring interview on On Being interview with David Steindl-Rast – this wonderful sounding 90 year Austrian monk who has to be a good guy because he was pals with Thomas Merton. If you have time, read through or listen to the whole interview – you might find it inspiring too.
This bit resonated with me and I thought about it again while crouching on the shingles: “… anxiety has a way of paralyzing us… But what really paralyzes us is fear. It’s not the anxiety, it’s the fear, because it resists. The moment we give up this resistance — everything hinges on this trust in life. Trust. And with this trust, with this faith, we can go into that anxiety and say, it’s terrible, it feels awful. But it may — I trust that it is just another birth into a greater fullness.”
That’s where I’m headed: a greater fullness. From my roof I took it slow, payed close attention and managed to enjoy the view.
What a bold and industrious one you are!!! Up on the roof, clearing out gross sludge, and musing on wise truths. Yes, a different kind of Christmas Eve indeed. Oh, the satisfaction of checking an odious task off the list! Thinking of you and sending love, XO Lea
Lovely piece, Tricia- and a wonderful outlook in all senses of the word. Have a great 2018!
Cleaning the gutters on Christmas Eve…why the hell not? I commend you for making an effort to push through the sludge. So many people just give up. Keep on going, you will get through it eventually. I’ve been dealing with debilitating anxiety for years and I think that finally, finally, after so much hard work, it has dissipated. It IS about surrendering and trusting, as that gentle monk said. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that. Wishing you a beautiful 2018.
And same to you Julie! Always so glad to hear your voice. xxx