Perhaps it’s these first whispers of autumn: the dying garden, changing leaves, cooler nights, but this last weekend of summer has me pondering the passage of time. Another summer is gone in a finite number of seasons any of us get.
I’m contemplating aging here, not bemoaning it. Even as I note the passing years, I confess that I feel pretty much like the same person I’ve always been. A wee bit wiser and certainly more content but otherwise, the same gal I was at say – 18?
When I look down at myself from inside of me, I don’t think I even look all that different because I see the same casual hippie wardrobe: jeans, sweatshirts and practical mostly ugly shoes. I’m a little larger, but not by much. Ha! I’m not seeing my mirror-self, I’m looking down at me sitting in this chair. It helps not to spend more than 5 minutes a day in front of a mirror — you can ignore the decades. In the morning, I spend seconds scrawling eyeliner on so I look less like a naked baby mole. While brushing my teeth, hair or washing hands, I may search my face for flaws that might be another squamous or basal spot I’ll need to get sliced off. While dressing, I give myself a quick glance to check my clothes are not too wrinkled and that my buttons are in the right buttonholes. But that’s about it.
So I easily forget that I’m sagging a bit around the jowls and my hair is silvery. I’ve never been particularly vain and am certainly much less now. Perhaps I’d enjoy being more of a looker than I am – but I don’t miss the catcalls from my youth. I don’t mind that I’ve become ‘invisible’ to jerks. To everything, a season after all and that one, perhaps the least interesting, has passed. Most importantly, my bones don’t ache much and I’m healthy. So far so good.
Here’s one of things I cherish most about where I am in my life: how interesting it is to be inside of me. My internal life. How fascinating the inside us humans are with our minds, our hearts, our spirit – what mystery! I love being able to reflect on the whole crazy history of me so far. The 15 year old girl who couldn’t wait to escape home, the traveler, the artist, the searcher, the worker, the reader, the gardener, the friend, lover, the mother. All of my incredible years are here in the present with me, right now and still more story to live.
On this other side of 50 where I am today, I don’t grieve my lost looks or mistakes (ah), I think mostly about the possibility of not having enough time. I start to feel greedy. There are no guarantees on the time front. Beloved Tetley is getting old in dog years and every day with him feels like a gift. I look at R and feel grateful we got to flash forward from our youthful passion and lost years and found each other again. There are moments when it seems no time has passed at all – the same only better. I imagine the life ahead of my sweet daughter and want to be there too.
None of us know how many days we get, do we? Not really. As another season passes, I look a little longer in the mirror and remind myself to savor today, to hope for tomorrow and to love.
BEAUTIFUL !!!!!
Aw, thanks Eileen! xxxx
Lovely, Tricia. You capture life exquisitely!
I’m so glad you’re reading. Thanks!
Perfect for me today. .
I’m glad Gabi. Thinking of you.
Food for thought-thanks Tricia.
So good to hear your voice again. I was afraid your posts weren’t showing up in my in box for some reason. It’s funny because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve felt more beautiful. Perhaps because I’ve been loved so well by my husband and animals. Though I can get swallowed in loneliness at times too.
Time is rolling by fast. We don’t know how much time we have, in this blessed world, that’s for sure. I just read a quote by Dallas Willard, a pretty bright theologian who passed away and he said, “Jesus made a special point of saying those who rely on him and have received the kind of life that flows in him and in God will never experience death. . . . Jesus shows his apprentices how to live in the light of the fact that they will never stop living.” Now this is something to think about. And good news better than good. And I’ve felt something close when my parents and brother died…
Well, didn’t mean to wax spiritual on you, but it’s what your post sparked in me…
Katie! I’ve just been lax too often lately — sometimes missing weeks. No excuses but a torpor perhaps.
Thank you for this – it’s a lovely, thoughtful comment — I love spiritual waxing!
How fares the book promo? Are you enjoying it?
Always love connecting.
xx
Oh, what sublime and nourishing food for thought!
I hear you on posts. It takes me about two weeks to get one together because I’m so busy with teaching. I’ve got some ideas cooking but it takes time and then there are pictures to add or just needing to wait to know where I was headed when I started and had to quit writing. I hope to post a new one this evening.
How fares the book promo??? LOL. I mean LOL! I’m in a bottleneck between that and teaching my students, so I’m pretty overwhelmed and frazzled. And not sure it’s bearing fruit. I think I just realized something this morning that I need to journal out, about the audience I can love and the audience I don’t feel is so healthy for me. I need to email you more…I think about what you say about relationship, making friends…
Gosh it’s good to hear your voice. Thank you again for ordering copies into your store!
You’re a dear for reading and commenting!
I can only imagine (a tad enviously!) having to tout a book and juggle the rest. Let me just remind your history is proof that you are an expert – you just have to remember the muscles. Of course it’s different being yours – but you believe in it too (you certainly should since it’s lovely) so maybe that’s where the audiences come in. I can kind of imagine — your book could so easily be swept up as ‘Christian’ and more than a few would then be surprised, no? I was — pleasantly! And for that reason too, it’s also IMPORTANT. There’s your pep talk for the day! x
Oh Tricia, how beautiful is this piece. How closely you reflect my own thoughts…even as I look down at myself, as you did, and similarly, see the same outfit you describe – a fleece, jeans…roughly the same build. Still… I have been attacking the attic. Poring through bins of old pictures, my college clothes, the kids’ baby clothes…and I feel wistful and strengthened. So nostalgic, but also, it’s a good reminder, as you say, of all the people, phases, and lessons that have gone into making us who we are now. Thank you for putting it so beautifully. And oh that Tetley is a cute one! XO
Autumn does seem to bring out our contemplative natures. You have a brillant attitude towards aging. I’m approaching 50, and I’m so relieved to find that I’m not freaking out about my fading looks. It is indeed fabulous to be invisible to jerks. It’s so much more important to focus, as you do, on the time that remains, which dwindles at an ever-incresing rate. Tetley is such a dignified fellow.
I love that you are out there living the adventurous life – maybe I’ll do so again. I wonder if I could make the leap again or if I’m just too attached now to my little cozy life. And Tetley – of course!
Thanks for reading! Love our exchanges.